The Root of All Evil
by virgofairy17
Summary: Bella and the others along with Harry Potter and friends discuss which of their books is more evil on national television. Parody of Root of All Evil on Comedy Central. Rated T for some language.


**The Root of All Evil **

**A/N: I was originally going to do a Naruto root of all evil story, but changed my mind. This story was started back in March and had been sitting on my computer for ages before I decided to actually finish it. **

**Disclaimer: The author loves Twlight and Harry Potter, and the views expressed by the characters do not reflect her views at all. **

* * *

"Hello everyone! Bella Swan here. I'm filling in for Mr. Lewis Black. Mr. Black couldn't make it tonight due to the fact that he was hospitalized after watching too much porn.

Anyways, tonight's debate is on which is more evil…

Harry Potter or Twilight…hey! Hold on! I'm in Twilight!"

In the audience, Draco Malfoy stood up.

"And your point is?" Bella sighed.

"Never mind…just bring out the debaters."

Out from the wings came two very familiar faces. Harry Potter, and Edward Cullen.

"Edward? What are you doing?" Bella shouted. "Do you have any idea how worried Renesmee and I were?"

"Sorry," he said. "But I was told by a man with a super long beard that I would get money for this."

In the middle of the audience, a naked Dumbledore stood up and shouted,

"Dumbledore!"

"Holy crap, I'm scarred for life!" Bella said covering her eyes.

Fortunately for her, Dumbledore had a really long beard.

But unfortunately for Serverus Snape, he was the poor fool sitting behind Dumbledore.

"Can we start this debate already?" Harry said getting behind his podium. "I have Quidditch practice at five."

Bella simply sighed, and wondered how in the world she got stuck filling in for Lewis Black.

All she remembered was that it had something to do with Alice convincing her that being on television would be fun.

Besides, Alice and Rosalie could watch Renesmee.

"Alright, let's start the debate. This guy is one of the most famous wizards in the world, starred in seven books and movies, and showed his um…"wand" to everyone last year. He also believes that Twilight is the root of all evil. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…Harry Potter!"

All the Harry Potter fans dressed in wizarding robes cheered, while the Twilight fans dressed as vampires and the Slytherins booed him.

Voldemort was too busy working the camera, but secretly wanted to kill Potter.

"And let's give a warm welcome to a man we all love. He's handsome, sparkly and believes that Harry Potter is the root of all evil. I give you my husband and father of Renesmee…Edward Cullen!"

All the Twilight fans cheered loudly, while all the Harry Potter fans and the Slytherins booed them.

"Draco, if you're going to boo everyone, why are you even here?" Hermione asked him.

"Because Granger, I'm simply here to piss everyone off and drive them crazy."

"That's not a very good excuse."

"It's not my fault. It's the author's. She's making me do it!"

"Will everyone please settle down?" Bella moaned. "We're on a tight schedule here."

Jasper began sending calming vibes all around the room, making everyone unusually calm--calmer than a kid on Ritalin.

"Now, let's start with Harry. Please tell the audience why you think Twilight is the root of all evil."

"Well Bella, it's quite simple really…Edward has more fan girls than I do!"

All the Edward fan girls screamed and cheered, making sure they would be heard.

"Quiet down," Jacob said. "At least Harry _has_ fan girls…"

"_I_ still love you Jakey-poo," said Moaning Myrtle. Jacob cringed knowing that a ghost had a crush on him.

"And Harry, do you have any other reasons why Twilight is the root of all evil?"

"Um…you guys are all vampires and you kill poor helpless animals!"

"They kill them?" Hagrid said getting up, blocking the view of the three rows behind him. He began to bawl, and Ron and Grawp comforted him.

"'S okay Hagger," Grawp said.

"You know, I could just drink your blood instead." Harry stopped. "Okay, Edward, what is your argument?"

"Well, Harry Potter is the root of all evil because…it's just too popular. It's a cult, and has been for over twelve years. No single religion in the world has ever gotten such a huge worldwide following of fans like Harry Potter has.""Um, Edward, you're no different than I am," Harry said.

"That's not the point. You've brainwashed all these kids and adults into thinking they could be wizards and do magic, when in fact they can't."

"Don't crush my hopes and dreams!" Seth cried. "I know my Hogwarts letter will come soon."

Bella sighed.

"Please. Dumbledore is so senile that he can't even remember breakfast. Why would he let any of you morons into Hogwarts anyways?" Draco said.

"Dumbledore let _you _in!" Harry stated. Pansy Parkinson squealed with some combination of laughter and anger…actually, no one knew what the squeal was based on. It was just really annoying.

"Can we get back to the discussion, please?" Bella said.

"Bella, I think everyone's getting restless," Alice said. "Why don't we go to a commercial break?"

"Alright fine. Emmett!"

Emmett came running onto the stage dressed as a giant sandwich.

"What the hell are you doing?" Bella said puzzled and confused.

"Um, none of the sponsors could afford to pay us due the economy, so they're cutting back on commercials."

"Whatever, I hate that stupid Nuva ring commercial anyways," Bella said taking a break.

Emmett ran up to the camera and began talking.

"Are you a high school graduate that can't get into college? Tired of being rejected? At South Harmon Institute of Technology, acceptance is just one click away. We like you for who you are, and value your ideas and thoughts."

Behind Emmett, a backdrop of the school appeared.

"At South Harmon Institute of Technology, we offer a variety of classes that we feel you will enjoy such as:

Relaxation 101, where you get to relax.

Advanced Skepticism 101, where our dean lectures you on this crazy pile of crap we call life.

Woodworking 101. Where you can expand your creativity by making wooden sculptures.

Rock 101...Photography…Cooking…Blowing things up with your mind…Doing Nothing…If none of these classes meet your needs, you can even make your own class up."

Behind Emmett, a backdrop of the students appeared.

"Be who you want to be, here at South Harmon Institute of Technology!" Emmett turned around, and on the back of his sandwich costume read: S.H.I.T.

But the camera blurred it out.

"Voldemort!"

"Don't blame me, Neville did it." Neville Longbottom, wearing a headset was shaking in his shoes.

"I'm sorry, but my grandmother doesn't approve of such raunchy language."

"Neville, your grandmother is a blast-ended skank!"

"Who shouted that? Don't you dare talk about my grandmother like that!" Draco, Crabbe and Goyle began snickering, until the Weasley twins pointed their wands at them, threatening to turn the three of them into fat bouncing ferrets.

"Okay we're back in five, four, three, two."

"Welcome back everyone!" Bella said as the crowd cheered. "Now to continue with our discussion. Harry, it's your turn again"

"Twilight is the root of all evil, because it is a huge messed up cult of vampire wannabes. And Edward is the reason why girls won't go out with me anymore. He's too perfect!""Um…I'm married to Bella…" Edward said.

"Okay…Edward, you can go next."

"Thank you Bella. Harry Potter is the root of all evil because…it's just fantasy. And it's lame."

"Excuse me? But you aren't any different!" Harry said. "You guys are lame. Seriously? What kind of vampire _sparkles?" _

"Oh yeah? What kind of wizard has a lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead? A nerd, that's who!"

"Well said!" Draco shouted.

"Oh yeah, well your hair is stupid."

"Four eyes!"

"Elvis wannabe!"

"Bowl cut head!"

"Leech!"

"Nice one!" Jacob shouted.

"Dork!"

"Loser!"

"ENOUGH!" Bella shouted. "Let's go to another commercial." The crew cut to another commercial, while Jasper sent calming rays onto Edward and Harry.

"Emmett, we need you on set!" Alice said.

Emmett jumped onto the set, this time dressed up as box of Trojan condoms.

Of course, Emmett was getting paid to do this.

"Hey everyone, are you thinking of getting laid but don't want to end up pregnant or with STDs? Did you know that millions of people have STDs?

Don't be dumb. Use a condom. You'll thank yourself later when you do."

Everyone was a bit creeped out at this point, and Alice simply sighed and shook her ead.

"Okay, back to the show," Neville directed. "In five, four, three, two…"

"Welcome back everyone to the Root of All Evil. I'm your host, Bella Cullen and we are just finishing up our debate between which is more evil: Harry Potter or Twilight. Now that Harry and Edward have debated, it's time for my inquisition."

Bella got out from behind her podium and faced Edward.

"Now Edward, are you absolutely positive that Harry Potter is the root of all evil?"

"There's no doubt in my mind," Edward said. "He has a bigger following than Voldemort for crying out loud."

"Don't say his name, please!" shouted Dobby.

"Yeah, who says you can say my name?" Voldemort asked from behind the camera.

"Stop screwing around or you won't get paid," Jasper whispered in his ear.

"Okay Harry, explain to all of us why Twilight is the root of all evil."

"No book has ever gotten such a huge following of vampire fanatics since Anne Rice. How do you suppose that happens? Brainwashing. Sorry Bella, but I still say all of you are severely brainwashed."

"Right…" Bella said. "Well, let's get to the next part of the debate: The Future Ahead."

"I can already see it!" Alice stated.

"No Alice, not that future. Harry, tell us what would happen if Twilight remained unchecked."

"If Twilight remained unchecked, soon every teenage girl in the world would want to become a vampire. With this disturbing trend, soon sites such as Facebook, MySpace or Fanfiction would be full of only Twilight stories, pictures and things. The only t-shirts would be the ones with Twilight characters on them, and every man would have no chance of getting a girlfriend. Because of that, women and men would stop having children altogether and the population would plummet, leaving the earth a dry, deadly wasteland full of crappy merchandise."

Everyone was speechless, and even Emmett couldn't come up with a remark to that. Draco and his cronies simply sat there, bewildered.

"I have no comment for that," Bella said. "Now Edward, what would happen if Harry Potter went unchecked?"

"If this evil Harry Potter went unchecked, every person in the world would want to go to Hogwarts. These delusional people would have no sense of reality and simply wait in their houses for their Hogwarts letters to arrive. People would no longer want to do anything, and soon the world economy would collapse from no activity, and everyone would just wither away from doing absolutely nothing. And the earth would become a dead wasteland full of crappy merchandise."

"You just copied my idea," Harry said bitterly.

"Well, it's going to happen either way," Edward said.

"Okay you two, that's enough for now," Bella said. "It's time for my final verdict. Edward, you did put up a great argument on Harry Potter being the root of all evil, but just look at him. Does he look evil to you?"

"Not really."

"Well, I declare Twilight the root of all evil and sentence us to have all our books burned in the fire, Edward castrated and myself locked in prison for all eternity with no chance of parole!"

The show had been successful, but then before the cameras could stop rolling, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Renesmee entered the set.

"What is going on _my_ living room?" Esme said angry at all the people tracking sand and mud into her house.

"Why are there wizards here?" Carlisle asked. "And why is that elderly one naked?"

"Dumbledore!"

"Emmett, why are you dressed up like a giant bottle of Pepsi?" Rosalie said crossing her arms.

Bella and the others stood there with no clue what to do.

"I know what we can do," said Harry. "Everyone apparate!" All the wizards spun around and quickly apparated, while Neville ran clumsily out the door, nearly tripping over his own feet.

"Voldemort, Voldemort, ooh, voldy, voldy, voldy, voldy, Voldemort." Voldemort apparated as well, leaving Edward and the others trapped in a room with all the werewolves and a crowd of crazy fan girls.

"Everyone, out…now!" Esme hissed. All the fan girls (and a few boys) quickly left her living room, leaving it a mess. The signs were all over the room, Emmett's costumes all over the staircase, and camera equipment littered the white carpeted floors.

"I swear it wasn't me," Emmett said nervously.

"You're the one who put Lewis Black in the hospital," Alice said.

"But it was your idea," Jasper stated."You wanted to make money off it," Edward argued.

"Bella hosted--" said Jacob.

"Against my will," she finished.

"I don't care who did it," Esme said. "You are going to clean up this mess right now."

She trotted out of the living room, and Carlisle simply stood there and smiled.

"Nice job guys. Well done," and left the room.

"You're all idiots," Rosalie said. "Does that mean you won't help me destroy a house?" Emmett asked her. She glared at him and went upstairs.

Renesmee was now alone with all of them, and giggled.

"You were funny!" she said, and ran off after Rosalie.

"Well, I learned something today," Emmett said.

"You actually learned something?" Jacob asked.

He glared at Jacob.

"Yes, dog. I did. I learned that it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game."

Everyone stared at him.

"Emmett, we didn't play baseball today," Bella said.

"Oh. Well…it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean."

"Emmett, why don't you stick to your day job?" Edward said.

Emmett sighed, and everyone began picking up the living room.

* * *

Yeah, pretty stupid...I know. But I know that you still want to review anyways. (Please review?) I _might_ just make another fic if you do.


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